shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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