Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
