help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
