she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
