Umm I'm too high to move.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
