rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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