Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
