Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
