Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
