Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
