We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
