and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
