She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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