im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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