My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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