so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize