Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
