Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
