you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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