Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
