I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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