If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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