So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
