It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
