I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
