If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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