My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
