one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
