Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
