All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
