My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
