So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Drunk is not a location!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
