According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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