On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
