I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
