My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
