i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
