I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
