Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
