did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
