I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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