you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
