I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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