True but thats because hes a fetus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
