I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize