Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
