my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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