i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
