so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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