So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
