I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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