my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
