The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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