you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
