yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
