he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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