Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize