how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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